I guess some of my hottest showers are after my longest nights 

Why clean when so hazy

Why run when so caught 

Caught up somewhere feeling too crazy 

Not sure if the dark has tamed me more than the light 

We were okay in the dark. 

Now it's 6 a.m., And it isn't only my eyes having trouble trying to adjust to the light 

You fucking said I was lovely

You looked me in the eyes and said I was "lovely."

You loved my flaws, you never loved 

Me

I don't know how to speak

I don't know how to love

Not the love you showed me

You showed me the acceptance of prevailing failure

I am not a failure 

And that is not lovely 

I want to ask questions but I never get answers 

I guess all my questions are now aimed to crickets 

At least they listen

deforestation

We built the house on wood, “we would grow forever”

Maybe it was the earth that brought us together

yet the one to tear us apart

“Never let go of who you are,”

Honey you never had the least bit of a clue as to who the fuck you ever were

How were you ever suppose to acknowledge who I was?

Bring me down now, allow the truth to bring you down for a

lifetime.

I try recalling the feeling of happiness, genuine happiness

My mistake,

innocence does not work counterclockwise

Maybe it was your eyes that made me weak,

your touch what made me numb.

Bucket the blame on me, but guilt is much more consuming than pain can ever be

Pain heals. Your escape will always be an endless marathon.

I guess there is no true escape with torment

Maybe I should have stopped when you called it the house and not our house.

Black and White

He’s crazy

But I don’t know if I’m crazier for loving it

Now needing it

I guess we wean off certain addictions

to only start new ones

            Who knew love entailed loss

            Who knew loss defined lust

Mystery opposed by happy endings  

Better off two bare souls in the dark, than two covering their ass in the light.

Light does bring life, but life is what will show you the dark

Therefore I rather keep our souls in the dark

And the oblivious pain in the light

-rekindled madness- C.C.

fuckYou

I'm not sure how much he loved it or hated it

Maybe it was his love for craze, which was more profound than his love for me could have ever been 

The thing is we can't see the end before we start

And when two forest fires come together they burn so passionately and harmoniously 

Yet ignorantly 

I remember questioning if the fire was fucking beautiful or fucking toxic

But you were more caught up in waiting to see how the ashes made their way from the smoke

How can a blindsided lover walk away from the monster that gives her definition

     You can tell me about happiness, you can tell me about confidence, but you can't tell me shit about fucking pride 

A fool cannot be defined in the dark

Fuck you for ever turning the lights off

R.I.P- passionate souls 

-C.C.

Chapter 2

With you I forget

Not of sorrow, or regret

But more of how you let my mind sing the same melody that use to be its lullaby

Over the wine and long talks, I fetch your cigarette

You take my heart and tell it to fall

And it wants to so badly but also remembers so clearly what it was like to crawl

I can feel when your eyes look at me in awe

Holy shit when love starts to kindle its so hard to stall

I know old pieces could not be put back in place

But so crazy how one man ended that chase

I now wonder why I tried so hard for these pieces not to be erased

The thing with sadness is it demands attention

But now I could see all the bad that was blinding my taste

As I feel your fingers pass over each rib on my side

I can feel my body aching for yours to come closer to mine

Sometimes this feeling makes me euphoric, and others it makes me want to hide

But you whisper in my ear and tell me it’s only the beginning of the ride 

-C.C.

empty stomaches/busy heads

I guess he became used to the faint smell of dark coffee and cigarettes as it rolled off my tongue somewhere in between our empty small talk 

It almost felt as forced as the fake smile after my now repeated anthem of "I'm fine."

My relentless cries are salted over my desolate attempts of normalcy 

My thoughts occupy my room as much the half empty water bottles and pill capsules do

I could feel remorse scraping against the muscles in my cheeks in attempt to recall the motion of a smile 

I can remember the taste of my last meal, yet cannot recall the comfort in a true smile 

Why did they never advertise this life with all the tormenting pain that soon becomes the only solid company I have

They told me not to be scared, this was normal, this was fun

And that's the part they didn't get, I wasn't scared of the drugs, I was scared of my darkest demons who soon became my only consistent friends 

They indulged in my vulnerability

They loved to be fed and when they weren't they ached louder than my now muted conscience 

-C.C.

7

He always loved something about fireworks

I always loved something about how his face would light up in the natural light of the darkest nights 

His beaming face interlaced with the smile of a child 

It's hard to look someone in the eyes after taking something from them

Happiness is hard to find 

Confidence is harder

But being found again is the hardest

And innocence, well that's an endless chase.

Sorry you ever had to be lost

           R.I.P.  C.C.