Chapter 2

With you I forget

Not of sorrow, or regret

But more of how you let my mind sing the same melody that use to be its lullaby

Over the wine and long talks, I fetch your cigarette

You take my heart and tell it to fall

And it wants to so badly but also remembers so clearly what it was like to crawl

I can feel when your eyes look at me in awe

Holy shit when love starts to kindle its so hard to stall

I know old pieces could not be put back in place

But so crazy how one man ended that chase

I now wonder why I tried so hard for these pieces not to be erased

The thing with sadness is it demands attention

But now I could see all the bad that was blinding my taste

As I feel your fingers pass over each rib on my side

I can feel my body aching for yours to come closer to mine

Sometimes this feeling makes me euphoric, and others it makes me want to hide

But you whisper in my ear and tell me it’s only the beginning of the ride 

-C.C.

empty stomaches/busy heads

I guess he became used to the faint smell of dark coffee and cigarettes as it rolled off my tongue somewhere in between our empty small talk 

It almost felt as forced as the fake smile after my now repeated anthem of "I'm fine."

My relentless cries are salted over my desolate attempts of normalcy 

My thoughts occupy my room as much the half empty water bottles and pill capsules do

I could feel remorse scraping against the muscles in my cheeks in attempt to recall the motion of a smile 

I can remember the taste of my last meal, yet cannot recall the comfort in a true smile 

Why did they never advertise this life with all the tormenting pain that soon becomes the only solid company I have

They told me not to be scared, this was normal, this was fun

And that's the part they didn't get, I wasn't scared of the drugs, I was scared of my darkest demons who soon became my only consistent friends 

They indulged in my vulnerability

They loved to be fed and when they weren't they ached louder than my now muted conscience 

-C.C.

7

He always loved something about fireworks

I always loved something about how his face would light up in the natural light of the darkest nights 

His beaming face interlaced with the smile of a child 

It's hard to look someone in the eyes after taking something from them

Happiness is hard to find 

Confidence is harder

But being found again is the hardest

And innocence, well that's an endless chase.

Sorry you ever had to be lost

           R.I.P.  C.C. 

You or Them

Sometimes I hear songs and remember why I love you 

Loved you

Sometimes I hear that song and remember how we both cried home silently that night 

Sometimes I hear a song and remember how I used to hear the tires against the road more clearly than the lyrics 

Sometimes I hear songs and wonder if you think about me when you hear them too 

Sometimes I hear the words meet in verses and replay how your lips use to softly harmonize with the lyrics 

Sometimes I turn the radio off because somehow so many more songs became more relevant 

Some songs don't sound the same 

Some songs don't seem the same 

Some songs have been erased 

Some songs allow my heart to dwell in the company of pain

You keep coming up

But you have been deleted 

We have been deleted 

You keep pushing me away 

You keep giving me reasons to come closer

You keep preaching of your hate 

Yet your constant interest displays your love 

And he thinks I'm still good 

He still sees the little girl in my eyes 

He thinks I'm still that girl

But he knows of nothing except fixing mistakes 

Yes he knows acceptance very well

But too much of anything is never too good

You know? 

And I think I'm witnessing two in love 

I think it's love

I think it's great 

Destruction is greater though 

Remember?

I don't know if it's defined in her drunken laugh but definitely in her sleepless nights 

The wine enhances, the weed lets her take chances

I know 
        because it's been too long I live in these circumstances

-C.C.  

Moments

and I hate how every afternoon on my subway drive home my ears have to stumble across lovers fighting so recklessly. I wish I could scream in return telling them to stop the bullshit. 
I recall all of our anger and frustration over all those same pointless little things, and that's the thing, their pointless. Yet those pointless moments are everything but pointless..they are untouchable and unable to hold the essence of being bittersweet because the end is never determined
until it has to be.
Don't take advantage of these moments.
I now find myself wishing I had more pointless things to fight over.

xoxo,
x lover              
                                                                                                                                              -C.C.

Lunch Money

I remember his madness in all things

And the way he kind of smirked while he casually acknowledged the intertwining truths and lies that stood in the midst of accomplishment and failure, which were apart of Our Journey, or rather just the fault of mankind

I guess it was sort of beautiful, sort of fucked

But the truth is sad, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

Truth is naked, Truth is vulnerable.

Yet it is better than living in between the comfort of lies

    coming to terms with the madness that lies under the surface appeals lonesome, but is then a structure able to hold its own

     in the way it is said to be so beautiful when we fall in love with someone else’s flaws

becoming beautiful on what you shed disgust over

Hey, that’s beautiful.

Do I acknowledge the truth, or let the facts fall away with my Sunday church dresses

Do I swim out to sea, or stay in the comfort of the sunrays that have risen and fallen everyday I have.

Do I stop using my allowance on school lunch because I know a cigarette does you well while you mute out your mother’s screams over the misplacement of her alcohol even though her humility was lost ages ago and never attempted to be found.

But I guess we supply the Lost- and-Found is these types of given situations

I listen to your dark heart because my eyes would not be equipped to enhance my ability to come to understanding the pain you truly feel

We feel more in the dark than we can ever see in the light

I am his home

I am his stability

I guess I am his Lost- and – Found

And I keep looking back

Looking front

And every time I look, I seem to be more lost than found.

- C.C.

Scattered

I don't know where my things now lie
Maybe somewhere in between my forsaken cry

I keep returning to pick the pieces back up
but every time I go back, I end up more stuck

I know each person has problems that hover
I wish mine were over a heart break from a distant lover

I know the phrase, once a plate is broken it cannot be repaired
But all these pieces are gone that I once loved, that I shared

I guess thats why its become so hard to lend
People like to treat emotions like the money they spend

Greedy and selfish, like the cold, restless night
but once it's gone, its forever out of site

Except the thing with emotions is we forever carry that fright.

-C.C.